time has flewn

lipstick-feminists:

Strong TW: abuse, domestic violence
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brightstartheory:

Power and Control - the different kinds of relationship abuse

Hock, Roger R. Human Sexuality. 2nd ed. Pearson Education, 2010. 131. Print.

(Source: politi-kia)

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what you get when you stand up to a man who beats his young girlfriend in public. Not the black eye, not the broken nose, but the sense of being a fucking great human being.

Earlier today while I was waiting for the bus I witnessed a man walk up to his girlfriend, who couldn’t have been older than 18, kick her handbag, spit on her and scream in her face that she was a cunt. He walked back into the bus shelter after telling her she was worthless and pathetic and kicking her in the gut then as she tried to follow he turned around to grab her. I got in between them and told him that he should never EVER spit on a woman, hit her or talk to her in that way. He laughed in my face and said he would “fuck me up”. I looked him square in the eye and told him that I was not afraid of him. He proceeded to scream obscenities at her as I took her away from him, then he shouted to me that he could walk round the corner to get people to kill me. Feeling defiant, I said “go on, I dare you, there’re plenty of people around to witness it.” The prick then walked right up to me and head butted me in the nose. I am now sporting a swollen face and the beginnings of a black eye but the police took swabs from my nose to get his DNA and they know exactly who he is. Cunt’s going down for assault. Motherfuckers don’t treat women like that and get away with it. I feel heroic.That’s right bitches. Women deserve respect. 

(Source: paper-snow-a-ghost)

roane72:

lightspeedsound:

sword-meets-rose:

feministkitten:

source

i wrote a paper as a senior in high school about this and when tracking the unhealthy relationship symptoms i found this out too. fucking a.

THIS is a legitimate reason to think Twilight is problematic. Not “oooh, but it’s girly literature cause the vampires sparkle and all the teen girls are into Edward”. As funny as some of the sparkly vampires jokes are - and they really sometimes are - Twilight’s very unique take on vampires is the least of the series’ problems, yet this criticism gets heard a lot more than the criticism of people who have noticed that something isn’t quite right in the relationship between Edward and Bella.

Anyone who thinks “it’s so romantic that he wanted to eat her and also snuck into her room without her permission to watch her sleep” really, REALLY needs to…rethink their definition of “romantic.”

The only list of fifteen things I could find on their site was this. And here’s the list:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Force you to try and drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

Now, granted, I’ve only read Twilight, and only once, but I can say for sure I saw enough of this in that one book that if I saw it IRL my warning flags would be flying high. Stephenie Meyer has one HELL of a lot to answer for. And honestly, I can’t help but wonder what’s going on in her house too.

missingagloe:

shakethecobwebs:

bummmercamp:

it’s ten times worse when they have an abuse history, too, and you know you could be so good for one another except for the tiny little inconvenient fact that both of you are still sort of convinced that love has to hurt or it isn’t love.

I can’t count the times I’ve said to myself “I don’t think I am allowed to feel that way” because I can’t count the fucking times that people have told me that I’m not allowed to feel a certain way, or called me crazy. 

Do I bother them?

Am I good for them?

Are they lying when they say they love me?

Between having. Abandoning and abusive people. In my life, it’s really no wonder that most of my time is consumed with trying to figure out how to be ‘the right way’ to convince each of the people in my life to stay.

thegallifreyan:

“Our house was small, and when you grow up with domestic violence in a confined space you learn to gauge, very precisely, the temperature of situations. I knew exactly when the shouting was done and a hand was about to be raised – I also knew exactly when to insert a small body between the fist and her face, a skill no child should ever have to learn. Curiously, I never felt fear for myself and he never struck me, an odd moral imposition that would not allow him to strike a child. The situation was barely tolerable: I witnessed terrible things, which I knew were wrong, but there was nowhere to go for help. Worse, there were those who condoned the abuse. I heard police or ambulancemen, standing in our house, say, “She must have provoked him,” or, “Mrs Stewart, it takes two to make a fight.” They had no idea. The truth is my mother did nothing to deserve the violence she endured. She did not provoke my father, and even if she had, violence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict. Violence is a choice a man makes and he alone is responsible for it.”

-Patrick Stewart

I love this man.

queasyfemmeproblems:

The Wave of Violence [TW: intrapersonal/relationship violence, abuse]

Earlier this fall, I attended a training with SafeLink, an organization that works to end domestic and dating violence. The training taught us how to spot the “red flags” of abuse, how to reach out to people in abusive situations, how to help someone who is being abused maximize their safety, and how to understand the commonalities of all abusive relationships.

One of the things we talked about in the most detail was a new model for abusive relationships: the “wave of violence.” The presenter drew a diagram on the board that looked a lot like the macro above (made with my own inestimable microsoft paint skills—you’re welcome). The basic idea is that abusers take more and more control away from their victims as time goes on: the “peaks” in the wave get larger and more dangerous as time goes on, while the “valleys” gradually increase in size as time goes on, too. In fact, what might have been the “peak”—the very biggest issue at hand—after one month might become the normal expectation (the valley) after five.

The “Wave of Violence” isn’t a particularly well-known model (the violence wheel is also great and more popular), but I think it offers a few points of clarification:

1. Abuse is about power and control 

The abuser’s ultimate goal is to violate their victim’s autonomy. The idea that abusers “resort” to abusive tactics is absolutely nonsensical. So is the idea that abuse has to leave a bruise or that “just” screaming, “just” shoving, or “just” pouting/driving too fast/stealing/belittling/etc. isn’t “real abuse.” Abuse is defined by patterns and power dynamics.

2. Most abusive situations do not get better on their own.

In fact it’s likely they’ll get worse, though this isn’t always the case. What is always true is that the abuser is choosing to engineer a situation where the survivor has as little power as possible. For the abuse to end, the abuser needs to consistently make fairer choices—or else their opportunities to abuse need to be cut off.

3. There is no universal “hierarchy of violence” or hierarchy of trauma 

It’s reductive to say that abuse always progresses from healthy behavior to emotional abuse to physical violence like hitting. Instead, it’s more accurate to say that the level of power and harm in an abusive relationship tends to increase as time goes on. This power and harm can be achieved through many, many different tactics, though. For example: an abuser can retain an enormous and even life-threatening amount of power through methods like sexual violence, reckless driving (a common intimidation tactic), forced sleep deprivation, or even confiscating medications that the survivor needs to function.

4. The “honeymoon period” looks different in different relationships

It’s a common misconception that the perpetrator will ply their victim with cards, flowers, kind words, and apologies after an abusive blow-up. This absolutely does happen, but it’s also true that some abusers will just blame the victim for their outburst and move on. Others will refuse to acknowledge that anything happened at all. If the survivor feels that they are at fault, they might even wind up being the one begging for forgiveness.

5. It’s safest to leave during a period of relative calm

It’s most tempting to leave when things get to a “peak,” where the situation might well be worse than ever before. But this peak is also when the abuser is most insistent on over-powering their partner. Virtually all abusers escalate when their victim leaves them, but the escalation will be much worse if it’s coming from a peak instead of a valley. If possible (and it might not be possible), leaving during a period of relative ”normalcy” is the best bet, particularly if the survivor has a safety plan in place to help them stay safe after ending the relationship.

[Note: for simplicity’s sake, I drew each peak increasing steadily. An actual abusive relationship is far less simple. The peaks and valleys, in general, do tend to increase as the relationship progresses (and especially as commitments get more “serious”), though.]

(Source: poorlifechoicesblog)

valeria2067:

bemusedlybespectacled:

babstheartist:

themindislimitless:

tw: abuse, rape, domestic violence

feministblackboard:

A few weeks ago my mom stapled pages of a story in one of her women’s magazines together and handed it to me. She gave it to me pretty much with the tag lines “for your feminist blog” and “something new to consider.” Indeed it was; she knows me well.

The story is titled “I was forced to be pregnant.” With a title like that, reading it was actually not on the top of my to read list. I thought it was about women not exercising their right to choice. I was very, very wrong on that one.

Have you ever heard of Reproductive coercion? It is a term that was quite recently coined by the advocates against domestic violence to describe a certain type of abuse some women face. It occurs when a man pressures their partner to have kids and/or impregnates them against their will. Reproductive coercion comes in three different types:
1. Emotional pressure that turns into verbal and physical abuse.
2. Sabotaging birth control
3. Marital rape
Over 75% of women 19-49 who reported once experiencing domestic violence also endured some type of reproductive control by men. It’s all about control and domination over a woman’s body.

The first story in the magazine is about a woman who got married around 36 years of age. After a few months of dating her boyfriend talked excitedly about having children. After he proposed he began calling her “The Babymaker.” She then confided with him that one of her fallopian tubes was blocked. He in return insisted she see a fertility doctor. She recounts, “I had finally met a great guy who was eager to start a family with me. What woman wouldn’t fall for that?” Soon after her honeymoon he persisted on in an obsessive manner, but his efforts had to be temporarily halted as she had to get emergency back surgery. Alas, 6 months into recovery he was back to pressuring her again. She was in much pain at the time due to her back, but she agreed to In Vitro Fertilization. She then became pregnant, but soon miscarried. In response, her husband grabbed her by the neck, choking her. He apologized, blaming his outburst on his grief and had her sign up for another round of IVF. And then a third round. She tried to put him off with the excuse that she needed to weigh more before she could take treatments, her husband forced her to get on the scale often and filled the fridge with fattening foods. “It hurt that all I was good for was getting pregnant.” She recounts. At the end, he screamed at her, threatening to replace her with a maid if she couldn’t get pregnant and she told him she no longer wanted to have his child. He destroyed bedroom furniture, pushed her down the stairs and threatened her with a gun. She fled to a domestic violence shelter.

The second story was about a woman who faced marital rape. This woman was 40, had a then boyfriend and two children from a previous marriage. After telling her boyfriend she did not want any more children, her boyfriend refused to wear a condom and began to rape her.  She then became pregnant with her third child. Birth control was never an option for her because she couldn’t hide pills anywhere for he went through all of her belongings. Three months after giving birth, he raped her again, impregnating her with twins. She lost the twins in a physical fight with him, but soon became pregnant again. During her recovery she begged her obstetrician to remove her ovaries and devise a lie to tell him; that she had cancer. After a decade of sexual abuse and violence she was able to get a job that kept her out of the house and often times traveling.

One in four callers to the National Domestic Abuse hotline said that their partners had tried to force them to become pregnant. Why? As one woman stated, “Its like he wants to own me from the inside out.”  Having a baby is the perfect tie that binds. These type of abusers want to create a circumstance in which their partner is dependent on him.

WHAT’S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD?

Many voters never consider how defunding these clinics could hurt victims of domestic violence who turn to them for counseling as well as pregnancy prevention. Abused women will turn to health care providers long before they will turn to domestic abuse hotlines and organizations. Many women in abusive relationships rely on life saving, affordable care programs such as Title X. It is critical that such places are open and operation when women and children need them so desperately.

holy fuck im crying.

Reblogging so that every time someone tries to say something to the effect of, “She should have known better than to have sex,” I can smash their face in with this.

Pertinent

(Source: feminist-blackboard)